Does anyone else remember that old Hair Club for Men commercial from the ’80s? You know, the one with Sy Sperling saying, “I’m not only the president, I’m also a client.”
Well, I am the Sy Sperling of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Not only am I a member, I’m also the president. Madam President, to be exact.
I’ve always been flat-chested. Since puberty, my boobs have been the same small size, barely filling an A cup. I used to be embarrassed by it. Now I own that title.
During high school and college, I fully bought into the whole Wonderbra marketing campaign (popular during the ’80s and ’90s). But I wasn’t fooling anybody.
I remember being secretly happy with my tiny bit of faux cleavage in my high school year book photo until a male classmate called me out. He asked me — in front of a group of guys — if the photographer had airbrushed in the shadow to create the illusion of cleavage.
Teenage boys are cruel.
Fast forward ten+ years … I ditched the Wonderbra, but I was still wearing padded bras. After all, the girls were still the same size. In fact, I wore the same bras before, during, and after both my pregnancies. I think I am the only woman in the world whose breasts didn’t grow during pregnancy. To be honest, I feel kinda gipped! (I think it’s why I had trouble breastfeeding, but that’s a blog post for a different day.)
Even when I gained a ton of weight during my mold era (late 2020-mid 2023), I still didn’t get bigger boobs. I had a lot of back fat, and I had to change the hook setting on my bras, but my cup size remained the same — barely filling an A.
I have big-breasted girlfriends who tell me I’m lucky; I can easily wear wrap dresses and cute workout tops, and I don’t suffer from related back pain. But the struggle is real in other ways.
For one, strapless tops and dresses are usually a nightmare unless I can have pads sewn in, and who has time for that? Also, my petite top makes my already bigger bottom appear disproportionately larger, which sucks because it feeds into my self-consciousness.
You know what else sucks? Having a mammogram. I know no woman enjoys having her breasts squished and squeezed between those machine plates, but for those of us with no “cushion” or overhang to tug on, it’s BRUTAL. Lots of accidental nipple pinching and rib banging.
But the worst part is waiting for results. As if I don’t have enough anxiety in my life, now I get to ruminate on the possibility of having breast cancer. Thanks a lot.
On a more serious note, regardless of the discomfort, please go get your girls screened. Cancer doesn’t care if your boobs are big or small, and neither does the tech doing the test. Consider this your gentle reminder. Better yet, consider it a presidential order.
— LJDT
