Emily was my original sideline sister. She passed away 4-1/2 years ago, but her DO YOUR BEST motto lives on — especially on the lacrosse field.
Me with My Big Age
I write what I know, and what I know is I’m getting older, and funny memes make it easier.
DST Hangover
I don’t know about you, but I’m still feeling the effects of Daylight Saving Time and a weekend road trip.
Look Who’s Coming Out of Retirement
After a two-year hiatus, my youngest has decided to come out of retirement and play lacrosse one last time before he graduates from high school.
Here We Go Again
Here I go, here I go, here I go again. Girl, what’s my weakness? MOLD!
No, this isn’t a new Salt-N-Pepa remix. It’s my life. Again.
Happy Birthday to Me
It’s my 52nd birthday today. I know I’m supposed to lament getting older, but for the most part, I like being this old.
To My Valentines and Galentines
My husband already knows how much I love him, so I’m going to jump on the Galentine’s Day bandwagon this year and show some love to the women in my life.
Saint Denise
My sister is a saint. She’s no angel, but she is on her way to sainthood after this past weekend.
Stretching to the Oldies
Am I the only one who feels stiff and sore all the time? If I sit too long, it’s like rigor mortis sets in. My joints lock up like a corpse and when I try to move, it’s sounds like I’m stepping on old floorboards.
Needless to say, my morning workouts start and end with a whole lot of stretching these days.
Family Connections
We are a competitive family. We battle it out watching game shows and fight for top dog status with Super Bowl squares and March Madness brackets. It’s not aggressive, but we do engage in some good-natured trash talking — which, let’s be honest, is the real reason why we compete….
Off The Grid
I like to think that I could a simpler life. Off the grid somewhere, isolated from other people, with the closest neighbors miles away. But each time we lose power, which is more common than you’d think despite living in a relatively affluent area, I’m reminded how much I need…
New Year, Wiser Me
I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore. I also don’t choose a word or theme for the year. I do, however, loosely set a few intentions — with ‘loosely’ being the operative word in that statement. I’ve written about my disillusion with resolutions a few times. Ever since I declared…
Holiday Hangover
Does anyone else feel hungover after the holidays, or is it just me? I’m not talking about New Year’s Eve. I’m talking about the full week between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day. I feel like I’ve been on a week-long bender, and I don’t even drink! Normally, even though…
Just Add It To The List
Anyone else get an autoimmune disease for Christmas yesterday? No? Just me? Don’t be jealous. It’s not exactly what I wanted. I would have preferred a new car with a big red bow on it, like you see in all the TV commercials this time of year. But apparently the…
Chasing The Perfect Christmas
Christmas is less than a week away and I am, once again, not ready. Not only have I not decorated and don’t plan to — although I did feel a bang of nostalgia a few nights ago and thought about it, but then quickly remembered how resentful I get dragging…
A Writer’s Life
The meme above is totally spot-on for me today (although, substitute dresses for swimsuits). I usually write my Tuesday posts on Sunday (then schedule them to go live), but like everyone else I know, I’m busy AF right now with work and the holidays and appliances breaking and my college…
Call Me Madam President
Does anyone else remember that old Hair Club for Men commercial from the ’80s? You know, the one with Sy Sperling saying, “I’m not only the president, I’m also a client.” Well, I am the Sy Sperling of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Not only am I a member, I’m…
I Killed Al Green
To my mother’s dismay, I do not have a green thumb. Despite that fact that I’ve been able to keep two boys alive for 20.5 and 17.5 years, respectively, I cannot keep a houseplant alive for more than a few weeks. My latest victim? Al Green. Okay, so unless you’re…
Winner, Winner, Turkey Dinner: Lowering the Holiday Bar
Today is November 21 — my mother’s birthday (yes, she’s the adorable cover girl in the turkey hat shown above). It’s also two days before Thanksgiving — the worst (car) travel day of the year. I’ve already driven up to New York twice this month: Once for a college tour,…
Molly Pitcher Got a Facelift
Molly Pitcher is NOT the name of the redhead with me in this cover photo, but she is the only other person I know who’s excited that Molly Pitcher got a facelift. Molly Pitcher is the name of my go-to rest stop on the southbound side of the New Jersey…
‘Tis the Season for Sneezing
It’s cold and flu season, which means it’s also sneeze season. I’m not exactly a germophobe, but I am rightfully grossed out when someone sneezes near me and doesn’t cover their mouth and nose — or wash their hands if they sneeze into their hand, rather than into a tissue…
Our First and Last Senior Night
Talk about all the feels … Last Friday night marked the end of an era: O’s last high school football game. It was also Senior Night. For S and me, it was our first and our last, which made it that much more bittersweet. SIDE NOTE/EXPLANATION: Our oldest graduated high…
The Real Flavor of Fall
A quick poll: Are you team pumpkin spice or team apple cider? Once the weather cools and the tree leaves change colors, people often debate which fall flavor reigns supreme: pumpkin spice or apple cider. In our family, the answer is complicated. My sister hates all things pumpkin spice. HATES…
Happy Anniversary to Me
I’m not one to make a big fuss about holidays or birthdays, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t pause and reflect on a very important day for me … October 7 marked my 11-year sober birthday, or soberversary. I usually post something about my soberversary each year and use…
Football, HoCo, and College Applications: It’s Officially Fall
Now that it’s “officially” fall, we are knee-deep in all things fall: high school football, homecoming, college family weekend, Mallomars (of course!), and as an added bonus this year, college applications.
My Accidental Boycott of NSD
Last week, I accidentally boycotted National Sons Day. Unintentionally intentionally is more accurate. I can’t keep up with all these made-up social media holidays. I can barely keep up with real holidays!
Going Home: Lessons From My Parents
What I took away from spending five days with my aging parents in my childhood home — it’s more than just ‘stuff.’
Swedish Death Cleaning: Part 2
I just spent five days back in my childhood home on Long Island, helping my parents declutter over 50 years worth of “stuff”. It was emotional and challenging, to say the least.
Swedish Death Cleaning
I’m at my parents’ house this week, Swedish death cleaning. What’s the over-under on how long I last?
Friday Night Lights: Senior Edition
High school football has officially begun — another “last” for O’s senior year.
The First of the Lasts
O’s first day of school was yesterday. His senior year of high school. That means, Monday was his last first day of school … and the first of the lasts.
Pickleball is Church
Pickleball is my new church. I play on Sunday mornings, some people are fanatics, and there’s a lesson to learn each time I play.
Music To My Ears
Proof that I’m old: I was watching a cover band play yacht rock while my boys were at a Drake concert.
Independence Day
He may not have a license still, but my baby has figured out how to navigate the bus and train transportation from Philly to NY all on his own.
My Weekend Recharge
We are not weekend getaway people. But this weekend was different. We needed a break — so we took it.
One Hot Bitch
I have officially reached that point in the summer when I become one hot bitch.
I do not think this is what they mean by #hotgirlsummer.
Midlife Sleeping Beauty
Confession time: I’m not a pretty sleeper. The closest I get to sexy is the black silk eye mask I occasionally use to block out any residual light.
Practical is the New Sexy
Last month, I got a vacuum cleaner for my anniversary. Not exactly sexy, but who needs sexy when you can have practical?
Bob and Weave, Bitch
I’m not one to rely on social influencers for life advice, but “bob and weave” is so on-point — and the delivery is hysterical.
Call Me Lauren Murphy
It’s official. I’m changing my name to Lauren Murphy because, once again, my luck has run out and it’s been a series of disasters around here lately.
Words Are Hard
“Words are hard,” was the refrain Nick always used when he stumbled over his words in an early morning class. But words are especially hard when you’re grieving.
Anxious and Awkward at 51
Hi, I’m Lauren and I am a socially anxious introvert. I’m awkward around people, and to make matters worse, my memory sucks and my name recall is horrible.
It’s That Time of Year Again
It’s the end of May and that means the #manchild is home again.
Junior Prom: Then and Now
Junior Proms today are very different than they were back in my day, 34 years ago.
On the Road Again
Five road trips in seven weeks … this is not how I usually roll, especially since I’m not a road-trip-kind-of-girl. But as a college lacrosse mom, you make sacrifices.
Don’t Be a D*ck
Our unofficial family motto is “Don’t be a d*ck.” It could be “Be kind,” but that’s not how we roll.
The O.G. Stan
While my husband, Stan, is the O.G. stan (lower case ‘s’), he’s not my O.G. Stan (upper case ‘S’). That title belongs to my high school bestie’s dad, Stan Eisenstein, who passed away a few days ago.
The Gen Z Phrase I Both Love and Hate
My boys say this all the time: “It’s not that deep.” One one hand, it’s an enlightened outlook on life; on the other, it’s dismissive and disrespectful.
Menopause, Mother Nature and Me
Like spring weather, menopause is unpredictable.
Same, girl. Same.
An Unorthodox Easter
An Unorthodox Easter
Ice cream and poutine, burgers and wings … Not exactly a traditional Easter, but who says you have to eat ham anyway?
Low-Key High-Maintenance
I like to think I’m pretty low-maintenance. My family would disagree. They say I’m low-key high-maintenance.
Fair-Weather Fan
And so it begins … Spring track season. But did it have to start in a monsoon?
I love watching my boys compete, but I’m a fair-weather fan. Not in the traditional sense, but in the actual weather sense.
Bring Back Quarantine Living
Around this time three years ago, the world stopped and we were all in lockdown. Quarantine sucked big time, but there are some parts I’d like to bring back.
Before you come at me, hear me out …
Jack and Danny
Beaver, cooter, clam, box, snatch, … the list of crude slang for female genitalia is endless. What’s wrong with calling it what it is? A vagina.
Weak Bones, Strong Attitude
At 51, I know I’m not young. But aren’t I too young for osteoporosis? Apparently not.
I may have weak bones, but I have a strong attitude.
51 Is The New 50
51 is the New 50
Last year, I turned 50 and it was anything but fabulous. Yesterday, I turned 51 and this is my do-over year.
Love is … Meatloaf on Tuesday Night
Today is Valentine’s Day. It’s also Tuesday. Nothing says romance like meatloaf on a Tuesday night.
Classic and Old
Classic and Old
What constitutes oldies music for you? Songs for the 1950s and ’60s, right? Apparently, ’80s and ’90s hip hop is, too. I disagree.
Bradley Richmond Lives Upstairs
Bradley Richmond doesn’t really live upstairs. That’s just the name I call my youngest son … Read this week’s blog to learn why.
Just Not Feeling It Today
Just Not Feeling It Today
It happens — I’m just not feeling it today. But I’ve been on a 16-month posting streak and I’ll be damned if I miss a week because of my low mood.
Get Off The Sidelines
Get Off The Sidelines
This post may anger some of you, and really, those are the people who need to hear this the most.
Love Language or Toxic Trait?
Love Language or Toxic Trait?
Gary Chapman says there are 5 love languages. I think there are 6.
The Anti-Resolution Post
The Anti-Resolution Post
Shocker … I don’t celebrate New Year’s Eve and I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I’m the Anti-Resolution girl. Kind of like Taylor Swift’s “Anti-Hero,” but older and less glamorous.
I Blame Tom Dewey
I Blame Tom Dewey
Today is my dad’s 79th birthday, so I’m paying homage to the man who gave me some of my best and worst traits.
It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas — Sort Of
It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas — Sort Of
It’s less than a week before Christmas and, as the song says, “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas everywhere you go.” Everywhere but my house, that is.
My Obsession with Streaking and Blue Balls
My Obsession with Streaking and Blue Balls
It’s not what you think.
I Came For The Jacket
I Went For The Jacket
It’s banquet season, and for a socially anxious introvert like me, that’s problematic.
But I went — for the jacket.
Balance is Bullshit
Balance is Bullshit
Yes, you can want it all. Do it all. Be it all … Just not at the same time. Something’s always got to give.
Signs My College Kid is Home
Signs My College Kid is Home
It’s Thanksgiving break and my college sophomore is home for 10 days. I don’t want to brag, but 3-1/2 days in and we’re crushing it!
Octogenarians Know How to Party
This is what my grandparents, aunt, and uncle looked like in their 70s and 80s. Today’s octogenarians are nothing like this. It could be the hair dye, or maybe it’s all the birthday cake.
Last weekend, I co-hosted an early, semi-surprise birthday party for my mother, and I learned a few things along the way. For one, octogenarians know how to party.
The Great Food Fight
The Great Food Fight
For as long as I can remember, my youngest has been a picky eater (with a big sweet tooth). As someone with an autoimmune disease, healthy eating is a priority, so I’m a stickler for my boys eating well-balanced meals.
But they’re not babies anymore. I know I have to pick my battles, and this year, I finally decided that school lunch and O’s pre/post-game candy ritual are not hills I’m willing to die on.
As a result, our great food fight is now more like a cold war.
Shut Your Mouth!
Shut Your Mouth!
I’m not usually one to follow silly social media trends, but I was intrigued by mouth taping because quality sleep has evaded me for decades. After doing my researching and trying it for a couple of months, have two big takeaways: Not all TikTok trends are foolish, and mouth taping works for me.
This is a different type of post this week, but read it anyway. Maybe it’ll work for you (not medical advice; be sure to check with your doctor before trying).
Independent Woman
Independent Woman
I swore I’d never post about politics on this blog, but here we are …
When I was 18, I registered as an Independent voter because I thought I was being a rebel. Fast-forward 32 years, and I’m still registered as an Independent, but my voting history definitely skews in one direction.
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Genetically, I’m a pretty even split of my parents. But as I’ve entered deeper into midlife, I’ve noticed that I’m slowing becoming more and more like my mother.
DWB: What They Don’t Teach in Driver’s Ed
DWB: What They Don’t Teach in Driver’s Ed
Driving While Black is real, and as a white woman with a Black husband and two Black sons who are driving, it scares the crap out of me.
Iron Maiden: Where’s Don Frank When I Need Him?
Iron Maiden: Where’s Don Frank When I Need Him.
I have many skills, but ironing is not one of them. This is usually not a problem, but every now and then it would be useful … like this past weekend for Homecoming.
My mother failed me, and so did my junior high home ec teacher. Where’s @donfrank17 when I need him?
It’s Mallomar Season
Fall is finally here and that means one thing: It’s Mallomar Season
Sure, it’s also time for football, apple picking, and all things pumpkin spice, but if you ask my mother, autumn is really about the cookies.
It’s About Damn Time
I’m not a patient person and I can only take being inconvenienced for so long before I lose it. Living through three+ extra weeks of stucco remediation proved that.
Learning To Let Go: Fourth Time’s a Charm
Learning To Let Go: Fourth Time’s a Charm
On Saturday, I dropped my oldest off at school in Vermont to start his sophomore year of college. This is the fourth time I’ve had to say goodbye, and I think I’m finally getting the hang of it. The key: Step back and don’t take anything personally.
Friday Night Lights: Tales From The Bleachers
Friday Night Lights: Tales From The Bleachers
I love watching my boys play the sports they love, but it’s more complicated than that for me.
Read more on midlifemoxieandmuscle.com
BTS? More Like BS (The ‘T’ Is Silent)
BTS? More Like BS (The ‘T’ Is Silent)
Yesterday was the first day of school for my youngest, a high school junior. There was no “first-day-of-school” photo taken, unless you count the one I took of him walking away this morning in his mismatched, too-small clothes.
So here we are, back to school and back to the bullshit.
Hostess Without The Mostest
HOSTESS WITHOUT THE MOSTEST
I am not the hostess with the mostest — unless the mostest refers to the one with the most anxiety about hosting. If that’s what you mean, then I’m your girl.
Male Pattern Blindness
I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure my husband and both my sons suffer from the same ailment: male pattern blindness. I first wrote about it in 2014 and I was hopeful the malady was something that they’d outgrow. But here we are, eight years later, and I’m convinced — having a penis makes you blind.
Summer Job Blues
SUMMER JOB BLUES
Does any teenager actually enjoy his/her summer job?
My summer jobs consisted of camp counselor, retail employee, and office worker. Not enjoyable, but also not hard.
My oldest has been chopping wood, pulling weeds, and cutting grass in the blazing hot sun and oppressive humidity as a landscaper’s assistant this summer. It sucks, but it’s teaching him life skills — I hope.
I Used To Be Fun, Now I’m Just Tired
I Used To be Fun, Now I’m Just Tired
Back in the day, I was a lot of fun. I don’t remember many of the details, but I was a hoot.
Now, I have a days-of-the-week pill box, reading glasses, and a hard 10PM bedtime … and I’m not mad at it.
I Hate Summer
I know this is blasphemy to some of you, but I’ve come to a point in my life where I hate summer.
Too Much Peopling
TOO MUCH PEOPLING
This week’s blog post is short because I’m in recovery — from too much peopling. IYKYK
Construction Chaos: An Analogy for My Life
I may need to buy this door mat from EverAspenHome on etsy.com (#notanad) because my home — and my life — is a total shit show.
Living through home repairs and construction is pure chaos for someone with anxiety. It’s also the perfect analogy for my current life: A hot mess right now, but in the end it’ll be beautiful — I hope!
Let’s Talk About (Midlife) Sex
Let’s Talk About (Midlife) Sex
Spinderella, cut it up one time …
Now that I’m 50, I think it’s time for a Salt n’ Pepa remake. “Let’s Talk About MIDLIFE Sex.” Something that talks about gray pubic hair, stretching as foreplay, and the benefits of coconut oil.
If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another
If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another
I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than f*ck. Things keep breaking in my house. Big things. Expensive things. Seriously, WTaF?! Can a girl get a break?
But I’m saying f-you to Murphy and his law, and trying my hand at The Law of Attraction to bring more positivity (and less broken shit) into my life.
Girlfriend Therapy
Girlfriend Therapy
As you know if you read this blog regularly, I’ve been struggling, and as a result, my anxiety has been through the roof. This past weekend, I had the rare opportunity to spend time with two of my most favorite people, but I almost didn’t go. In the end, I pushed through, and it was exactly what I didn’t even know I needed most.
A Loving History Lesson
A Loving History Lesson
Despite my birthday being in February, June holds a special place in my heart. Without the Supreme Court’s 1967 decision in Loving v. Virginia, neither my June anniversary nor my oldest son’s June birthday would be possible. Thank you, Mildred and Richard Loving for fighting for us.
The Next Best Thing
The Next Best Thing
It’s been a rough few months and I could really use a vacation.
I would have preferred a tropical beach getaway, but a solo staycation was the next best thing to help me recharge and get back on track.
My House is Making Me Fat
My House is Making Me Fat
It may sound dramatic, but this is not hyperbole … My house is literally making me fat. Sick and fat.
Guess Who’s Back? Back Again
Guess who’s back? Back again. Henry’s back. Tell a friend …
Okay, so the real lyrics are Shady’s back, but you get the idea. This song has been playing on a loop in my head for the past six days since my oldest came home from college.
How do you think it’s going so far?
Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner
I spent decades of my life being quiet. I held my tongue, not wanting to rock the boat or cause a scene. But at 50, I am no longer quiet. I set boundaries like a queen and am not afraid to call someone out on them if they’ve been crossed — or if I’ve been wronged.
Just Another Sunday
Just another Sunday
Mother’s Day was this past weekend and despite having lowered my expectations over the years, I was still disappointed this year. It started out well, but went down hill fast.
Pockets of Sunshine
Pockets of Sunshine
Even on my darkest days, there are still pockets of sunshine — I just have to remember to look for them.
Sweating the Small Stuff
Sweating The Small Stuff
I try to focus on the little things that bring me joy each day, but it’s also the little things that stress me out on the regular because I have yet to master the art of not sweating the small stuff. #petpeeves
Spring Break Success
Spring Break Success
It may not have been exotic or tropical, but it was exactly what I needed. My heart and soul are full … I call that a spring break success.
A Spring Without Sports
A Spring Without Sports
It makes me a little sad, but it’s also a blessing in way — at least for this season.
My Four Favorite Words
My Four Favorite Words
They may never be the answer to Wordle, but they do say a lot about the kind of person I am.
From Trophy Collector to Badge Whore
From Trophy Collector to Badge Whore
As a kid, I proudly displayed all my trophies, plaques, and prize ribbons on shelves in my bedroom. Fast-forward to today, and I’ve traded in being a trophy collector to a virtual badge whore. They may take up space or collect dust, but there is a downside …
Not On My Bucket List
Not On My Bucket List
The idea of circling the globe and completing challenges is appealing to me on an intellectual level, but in reality, I know I’m not cut out for it.
With Age, Comes Wisdom
With age, comes wisdom
After 50 years on Earth, I’ve learned a few things about myself.
Valentine’s Day Throuple
Valentine’s Day Throuple
This year, I had to share Valentine’s Day with my husband’s mistress. It wasn’t as bad you’d think …
Confession: I’m Struggling
Confession: I’m Struggling
I almost didn’t post this because it’s too personal. But I’ve found that when I’m most open, honest, and raw, it helps. So here it goes …
Aging Parents
Aging Parents
I throw a lot of shade at my parents for their senior citizen ways, but I know I’m lucky to still have them. Watching our parents age is hard. Watching them die is even harder.
It’s More Than Just Hair
It’s More Than Just Hair
Currently, my boys are sporting natural locs. They may be judged by others for their hairstyle, but in Black culture, hair isn’t just hair. It has so much meaning. No matter what anyone else thinks, these kings can wear their crowns however they like. #momapproved
And Just Like That …
And Just Like That …
Winter break is over and H is back at school. The time flew by, but it also crawled at times. Either way, I still miss him, now that he’s gone.
2022 Resolution: Do Your Best
2022 Resolution: Do Your Best
My late friend, Emily, lived by the mantra, “Do Your Best!” And really, isn’t that all we can do? So this year, let’s all make this our only resolution — to just do our best. Whatever that means on any given day.
Low-Key Christmas Miracles
Despite the over-the-top outfit choice of my youngest, our Christmas was pretty low-key, yet filled with miracles. Small, low-key Christmas miracles, but miracles all the same.
Christmas Traditions, Past and Present
Christmas Traditions, Past and Present
We used to take photos with Santa, cut down our own Christmas trees, sprinkle reindeer dust, and move that damn Elf on the Shelf every night. Now, we do … none of that.
The Prodigal Son Returns: College Edition
The Prodigal Son Returns: College Edition
Over the weekend, my college freshman came home for winter break a week early. It was a bit of a surprise, but we’re ready.
I Don’t Need Your Permission
I don’t need your permission. And frankly, you don’t need mine. Live your own life. Eat the donut, or don’t eat the donut. No matter what the IG “influencers” say.
All Hail The Queen of Shade
All Hail The Queen of Shade
My grandmother is the O.G. Queen of Shade. Lately, my mother’s been throwing a lot of shade, and she doesn’t even know what that expression means! As a shade thrower myself, I’m forced to admit this it’s a family trait.
Grateful … and Irritated
Grateful … and Irritated. It’s okay to be both, even on Thanksgiving. It’s called being human.
Back-to-School: College Edition
Back-to-School: College Edition
Things I should have told my son
My Love Letter to [solidcore]
My love letter to [solidcore].
[solidcore] is so much more than a workout. It’s been my one saving grace during COVID and pandemic living.
Pushing Pause
After the shitshow that was 2020, there’s no need to rush into 2021. Slow down and push pause on those New Year’s resolutions until you’ve had time to rest and recover.
‘Tis The Season For Winter Kvetching
Raynaud’s syndrome makes winter suck. ‘Tis the season for kvetching.