Like most parents, before O left for college, we made a Target run to pick up all the usual 20-year-old boy toiletries: extra shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, deodorant, and, of course, condoms. After all, safety is essential—and so is consent.
I’ve been giving my boys the “condoms and consent” speech since they were in middle school and high school. But the consent part of that talk started much earlier, when they were around 3 years old. Back then, the focus was on consent in relation to body autonomy.
The conversations were always age-appropriate, starting with how no one was allowed to touch their private parts (no matter what), and how they didn’t have to give hugs or kisses to grown-ups if they didn’t want to—even family members.
When they started school, we talked about how doors should always remain open when alone with an adult (a teacher, a coach, etc.), how if an adult says, “Don’t tell anyone. It’s our secret,” always tell, and how if a grown-up made them feel uncomfortable for any reason, they should trust their gut—and tell me, of course.
Once the boys were old enough, the consent conversation shifted to relationships. We talked about being respectful. Being discreet. Being safe. (That’s the condom part, in case it wasn’t clear!) And most importantly, making sure it’s a clear “yes” from the other person before getting physical because anything else—including being too drunk—means no.
We live in a world where parents of girls are expected to teach their daughters how to stay safe and protect themselves from boys and men. That’s great. But we also need to teach our sons how to be respectful, tempered, and safe for girls be around.
I know my boys are.
—LJDT
