Empty-Nesters-in-Training

The funny thing about sending your kid off to college to start a new life is that, as parents, we get to start a new life, too. Sure, my husband and I still have a high school sophomore at home, so we’re not exactly empty-nesters just yet. But with only one independent teen at home, I like to think of us as empty-nesters-in-training.

Here’s the truth: The dynamic in our house changes when we become a family of three at home, rather than a family of four. And I’m sure it will change again when we go from three to two. The reason I’m so sure? Because I believe I’m the biggest reason the dynamic changes so much.

As an anxious person with PTSD (and a host of other “issues”), lots of parenting experiences trigger me. Like chaos, clutter, noise, unexpected situations … Basically, everyday life as a mom. But with one less kid at home, life is a little slower, quieter, calmer … and so am I. I’m more present and approachable, and frankly, just a nicer person — which, in turn, makes me a better mother.

It also makes me a better wife.

The day we dropped our oldest off at school, something shifted in me. A sense of calm came over me. Like a weight had been lifted. So much of the past year or more had been spent focusing on getting him to where he is now: A student-athlete living his best life at a great school, playing lacrosse, making new friends, having new experiences, and learning about the world. Without vocalizing it, I think my husband and I shared a sense of pride and accomplishment when we left our son, and that feeling has elevated us both.

While my husband says he doesn’t notice a shift in the home dynamic when our family shrinks to three, he does reap the benefits: More attention, more date nights/mornings, more flirting, and more sex (you didn’t read that, Mom and Dad!).

When you have kids living at home, marriage often takes a back seat. The focus is primarily on their schedules and their needs. I know the experts say to make time for each other, put your needs first, schedule weekly dates, take vacations alone, blah, blah, blah. Okay, but when? Who’s paying for it? And do I have to put on pants, because then it’s a hard no for me, dog.

Admittedly, it feels like our marriage had been put on hold these past few months while we prepared to send our oldest off to college. But since dropping him off, it feels like the right time to focus more on each other again. To get “us” back … even though there’s still one kid at home. Sure, we still have daily parental responsibilities. Our 15-year-old can obviously feed, bathe, and dress himself, but he still can’t drive, so it’s not like he’s fully independent. That’s why I equate this new chapter as our training period for empty-nesterhood. Better to work on the “us” part now to ensure that we still like each other by the time we reach real empty-nest status.

None of this means we’re neglecting our kids. It just means we’re giving equal attention to our marriage again. With one less kid at home, that seems easier to do. Really, everyone benefits … even my neighbors, who won’t have to listen to me yell at the boys quite so much now. Damn those open windows!

-LJDT