Quick show of hands … How many of you reading this blog spent your weekend at home collecting urine and saliva? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? … I guess I was the only one.
Yes, it’s true. For two whole days, I peed into a jug and spit into a vial. Actually, two jugs and eight vials, to be exact. And you thought your weekend was interesting!
So why was I collection bodily fluids, you ask? Because my doctor ordered me to. [We’re trying to get to the root cause of some medical issues associated with my autoimmune disease.] Apparently, not having a medical degree does not preclude me from doing some of the work. A phlebotomist will handle the blood draws, but it’s up to me to collect the other corporal excretions (saliva, urine, stool and breath). This weekend I started with the ones I thought would be easiest — spit and pee. I thought wrong. Neither was as effortless as I had expected and here’s why:
- It took me nearly an hour to fill one small test tube because I worked out and exercise reduces saliva production. Can you say dry mouth?
- Apparently, my saliva has a lot of foam, which is problematic for testing. (FYI, the solution is to freeze the saliva for a few minutes to diminish bubbles. Who knew?!)
- Meals had to be timed around saliva collections, which was annoying and inconvenient. I’m not nice when I’m hangry.
- There’s no graceful way to spit into a narrow vial; Drool happens.
- Drinking a gallon of water a day makes collecting urine a full-time job. And two jugs is not enough!
- Frequent rogue streams and urgency incontinence make peeing into a cup tricky. Some urine just didn’t make it.
- You really should label refrigerated urine to avoid mishaps. #thatsnotlemonade
- You cannot have social plans (or go to the gym, the grocery store, etc.) when you are collecting saliva and urine. It’s awkward, embarrassing and generally frowned upon to walk around in public with jars of bodily secretions.
After two long, housebound collection days, I became very in-tune with my saliva production and urine output. I also may have lost a layer of skin from all the hand washing I did, thanks to bad aim. But I survived. Two saliva tests and one urine test down. Next up: Two breath tests, four stool cultures and a bevy of blood work … Wish me luck that collecting poop isn’t as messy as catching pee.
– LJDT
