NOTE: This piece is a rebuttal to a recent PopSugar article that’s been circling the web for the past few weeks. Fasten your seat belts, readers, because I’m fired up! At the risk of ruining my chance of ever guest-writing for PopSugar (or maybe this will raise my chances — who knows?!), I’m calling bullshit on an article that ran in their Family section back in March. Here it goes …
Tuesday night, as I was typing the first draft of this blog post, I was simultaneously missing my older son’s high school lacrosse game in some town nearly an hour away. It wasn’t the first sporting event/game/meet I’ve missed in his athletic career and I’m sure it won’t be the last, either. But guess what? I’m okay with that, and so is he. As a matter of fact, both my boys understand that I have in the past and will continue in the future to occasionally miss their games because … LIFE. But according to the writer of this PopSugar article, I am a horrible parent for doing so. Skipping my kids’ games sends them the message that they are not my priority, that they don’t matter to me and that they cannot rely on me for support. Insert baffled look of shock and awe here because …. WTF?!
No, seriously … What the actual fuck?!
The article, written by a childless thirty-year-old, tells parents that they should go to every one of their children’s athletic games — from rec league and summer league to school teams, travel teams and beyond — as the best way to show their love and devotion. You read that correctly. EVERY. GAME. Regardless of work, illness, travel, other children, prior commitments or any conflicts whatsoever. Because, apparently, perfect game attendance is the only way to show children that they matter. Sure, by the end of the article, the writer finally recognizes that achieving this scheduling feat “isn’t always easy,” but she remains unwavering in her belief that it matters more than any other childhood experience. Period. End of story.
Again I ask … WTF?! Is she serious? Was this piece supposed to be read with an ironic tone that I somehow missed?
Growing up, both my older sister and I played a variety of sports (in addition to dancing, twirling and cheerleading in our younger years). In the early day, our mom frequently volunteered to be the team manager, so she was always there. Our dad, who was a teacher/coach usually working a side hustle as well, managed to make it to most games and recitals, too, but I’m sure he missed a bunch. Once our mom started working full-time, she probably missed a few as well. I honestly don’t remember because their attendance, while certainly appreciated and meaningful, wasn’t the only hallmark of our relationship. Their attendance wasn’t the only way they showed up for us. Their attendance wasn’t the only example of their love and devotion, so their absence from a game or dance recital didn’t send the message that we were less important than whatever kept them away.
I think my kids feel the same way because they know I try. Life is a juggling act and it’s difficult to be in two places at once. I love to watch my kids compete, but sometimes I can’t be there. Scheduling conflicts are real. Missing a few games doesn’t mean my children aren’t a priority, or that I support them any less, or that they can’t rely on me. It means I have a life outside of being a mom. It means I do the best that I can and sometimes I fall short. Sure, it sucks, but it means I am human. The good news is, my boys know I love and support them no matter what — even when I’m not on the sidelines or in the bleachers. [P.S. My #sidelinesisters and #bleacherbros always cheer extra loudly for my kids when I’m not there, so for that, I’m grateful.]
But that’s only half of it — the politically correct, socially-acceptable half. Now for the brutally honest other half … Sometimes, my absence has nothing to do with scheduling conflicts. Sometimes, I just don’t want to go. Or more accurately, I can’t go. As a socially anxious introvert, I periodically feel overwhelmed and depleted by people, noises and life in general. I need time alone to recharge and recenter. It’s not selfish, it’s self-preservation. I do my best to push past this on “game days,” but I’ve also explained it to my kids, so they give me a pass when needed.
The truth is, none of us know the inner mechanics of someone else’s family. What works for you may not work for them. Stop judging and #momshaming when someone does it differently than you. Stop listening to childless millennials doling out parenting advice. Do what works best for you and your family. Be there for your kids; Love them, support them, nurture them and guide them to be strong, independent individuals capable of showing grace and kindness to others. Then do the same for yourself.
Rock on, #supermoms! Keep doing what’s best for you. I’ll see you at the next game … Or maybe not.
-LJDT
