Spinderella, cut it up one time …
Let’s talk about sex, baby
Let’s talk about you and me
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let’s talk about sex
Thirty years ago, this song was the bomb. It was our pre-game/getting-dressed-to-go-out song all through college. We sang every word, and I still do when it comes on (to the dismay of my teenage boys).
SIDE NOTE TO MY PARENTS, who believe that I’ve had sex only twice, resulting in the birth of my two sons: You may want to stop reading and skip this one. Otherwise, I cannot be held responsible for what you may or may not learn about your “baby” and your son-in-law. Just saying.
For everyone else, please read on …
Now that I’m 50 and there is no pre-gaming going on (I barely leave my house, so there’s no need), I think it’s time for this classic to get a reboot. We can call it, “Let’s Talk About Midlife Sex,” and instead of praising her boomin’ body and all her conquests, we can keep it real and talk about the aches and pains and other bullshit that comes with getting older. It would go something like this:
Less hot to trot, now with joints that go pop
She use coconut oil to make the dryness stop
Her fella drools like a fool, but then again he’s much older
Her mood swings are so wild they make her feel bipolar
What do you think? Is it a grocery store hit, or what?! Salt n’ Pepa, hit me up for the collab 
The point is, sex after 50 is way different from sex in your 20s and 30s. I can’t speak for the men reading this, but I’m pretty sure the ladies are with me on this one. Perimenopause/menopause is a bitch! As if raging hormones, weight gain, and gray hair (yes, down there, too) wasn’t enough, vaginal dryness, creaky joints, and a lower libido don’t exactly make sex very sexy. Then again, neither does my preferred sleepwear, but I blame the other stuff.
I’m no expert, but what I do know is that midlife sex takes work. And planning. Foreplay now includes lots of stretching. And coconut oil (trust!). We’re tired and grumpy and annoyed, so what used to excite us, now just irritates us. For me, going out for a romantic dinner brings stress and anxiety. My food allergies are tricky and the resulting GI issues from eating out are anything but sexy. What does work these days? A bum squeeze, an empty dishwasher, and a clean car. Those are the tickets to my heart (and, apparently, my vagina).
But I think the thing that surprises me the most about midlife sex (especially having it with someone I’ve been sleeping with for more than 20 years) is that it’s still fun — and funny. Yes, it’s sweet and loving and provides time for us to connect deeply with each other (no pun intended), but we also have some of our best laughs in bed. Mostly due to mishaps and “old people issues,” but I’ll spare you the details. You don’t need those visuals.
So to all my perimenopausal and menopausal friends with rickety joints and drying out lady parts, grab yourself a big jar of organic coconut oil, do your stretches, and get it on. Hopefully, you’ll connect and laugh and remember why you love the one who keeps you up at night with his snoring. At the very least, you’ll burn a few calories.
-LJDT
Here’s a fun idea if you’re competitive: Take it up a notch by keeping track of your heart rate and calorie burn on your Apple Watch (choose social dance, wrestling, or horseback riding under the Workout options), then try to beat your score each time you knock boots. That’s one way to make him work for you!
