My youngest son and I have been watching The Amazing Race together as a way to bond. We discuss the countries and challenges, critique the approaches and attempts, root for and against certain pairs, and even place bets (it’s a family thing — see my Wordle post to understand).
The idea of circling the globe and completing challenges is appealing to me on an intellectual level, but in reality, I know I couldn’t do it — and not just because my passport expired and I keep forgetting to renew it. To sum it up with a simple phrase: I have more issues than Vogue.
To give you an idea, here are just a few of the reasons why participating on a show like The Amazing Race is not on my bucket list:
- I’m afraid of heights (there’s always a ‘jump off that cliff’ or ‘climb down the side of that skyscraper’ challenge)
- I have an irrational fear of snakes and any creature without legs (this may not be an issue, but unless you can guarantee that I will not encounter a legless living thing along the journey, it’s a hard pass for me)
- I have poor balance and cannot ride a bike (don’t judge!)
- I cannot carry liquids or stacks of items across a room without spilling/dropping them (I think this relates back to my poor balance)
- My short-term memory sucks (thanks, autoimmune disease and midlife brain fog)
- My social/general anxiety hinder my ability to freely interact with others or willingly embarrass myself (insert any dancing/singing/musical instrument playing performance challenge here)
- I don’t like to be cold … or hot
- I need at least 8 hours of sleep in order to not be a total bitch (#facts)
- My current medication and eating schedule is very rigid (when do they eat, anyway?!)
- I’m vehemently opposed to eating anything I deem gross (e.g. maggot cheese), plus I have way too many food allergies and intolerances to not be considered high maintenance
- I pee way too often (not to mention my frequent GI issues that accompany the aforementioned food allergies/sensitivities)
- I’m easily frustrated and impatient (read: my partner and I will fight and I will cry)
- I curse way too much for prime time television (#sorrynotsorry)
- My family couldn’t survive without me because they won’t be able to find anything in the house (having a penis makes you blind)
So until they change the format of The Amazing Race to meet my needs, I guess I’ll just continue watching and critiquing from the safety of couch, in my snake-free, temperature-controlled home, with my AIP-approved snacks, and my own nearby bathroom … just in case.
-LJDT
