It’s been 1 week since my oldest graduated from college. His ‘big boy’ job up in Boston doesn’t start until mid-August, so he’s home for the next 2 months. I’ve heard this return-to-the-nest-after-graduating-college time referred to as the boomerang period; I prefer to call it parenting purgatory.
Here’s why …
I’m used to living with a college kid home on summer break. I’m prepared (at least in theory) for the huge piles of laundry, extra dishes, larger grocery and electric bills, and missing cups and phone chargers. But cohabitating with a so-called adult who isn’t my husband? That’s new territory for me.
It’s also new territory for my graduate.
H may think he’s been living on his own since he left for boarding school at 16, but that was faux independence. The school’s rules were like guardrails to ensure he didn’t stray too far from what was expected. That’s why I called it college with training wheels.
College itself was kinda the same, but with fewer bumpers to keep him on the right path. Now, as a real adult in the real world, the rails are gone and I’m not sure he’s fully ready.
My husband says I still do too much for him and need to cut the cord. He’s not wrong. I do let H off the hook more than I should. But in my defense, he’s still a bit of a manchild. He’s messy, unorganized, and can be forgetful. Plus, there’s still so much he doesn’t know and life skills he hasn’t developed yet.
H is a bright guy, but he’s not immune to making dumb mistakes. He’s only 21, after all. A baby adult. He doesn’t know what he doesn’t know … And, as a parent, that’s the scary part.
This stage of parenting is hard. Harder than that first year, I think. The stakes feel higher. I want him to be independent, but I don’t want his missteps or inabilities to derail his new career before it even starts. I know I have to let him figure things out on his own and not micromanage or smother him, but that’s not so easy.
So how am I handling parenting purgatory with my adult son who, still not fully grown, is living under my roof for the next 2 months?
Probably not as well as I should be … But I’m really trying.
My plan is to try to offer advice only when asked and to cut the cord a little bit more each week, forcing him to do more “real life stuff” for himself—like scheduling his own doctor’s appointments and dental cleanings, maintaining his car, and paying his credit card bill without assistance.
I’m sure he’ll mess up from time to time and maybe even miss some deadlines. I’m also sure I’ll mess up from time to time and remind him of said deadlines. Parenting purgatory is a process, and we’re both figuring it out as we go. Good thing we have each other.
—LJDT
