Last Friday, I was stopped in my tracks by three dirty words from my second grader.
After the usual morning madness, the boys managed to get outside with a few minutes to spare before the school bus arrived. Tossing their backpacks aside (into the snow of course, getting them all wet), they grabbed a ball to shoot hoops. A quick game of P-I-G? Nope! A game of one-on-one ensued, complete with dramatic dives to save loose balls (landing in the same pile of snow where their backpacks lay). I came out to find them both soaking wet and my youngest was filthy, too. He had crawled on the dirty garage floor to retrieve the ball from underneath my equally dirty car (don’t judge). Really?!?
To say I overreacted is an understatement. There wasn’t enough time for him to wash up and change clothes and I couldn’t drive him to school because I had a morning appointment. I was annoyed, angry and embarrassed to send him to school that way and I told him so. Loudly. Actually, I screamed at him. After my tirade, I sent him to school wet, dirty and miserable.
Of course, I felt horrible afterwards — really horrible — because my reaction was way out of line with the crime. I planned on apologizing as soon as he came home from school (yes, another teaching moment of how not to behave, brought to you by Mom!). Then, to add salt to the wound, I saw this:
My seven-year-old, before crawling under the filthy car, had scribbled this loving message into the back of my badly-in-need-of-a-wash SUV. Talk about a dagger through the heart!
This simple, dirty message filled my heart and broke it at the same time. It reminded me just how sweet and adoring my little guy is, and exposed how far I still have to go to loosen up. I need to cut him, and myself, some slack!
The thing is, our kids don’t always do the “right” thing. They make poor choices. They make mistakes. They do it their own way, which, I need to keep reminding my recovering perfectionist self, doesn’t make it wrong, just different. They are kids. Good kids most of the time, even great kids some of the time … and we are good parents, or at least we try really hard to be.
My mom has an expression she uses to describe my sister and me when we were young: street angels, house devils. It’s her way of saying that in public, my sister and I were well-behaved, polite, considerate children. At home, however, we were often less than perfect and possibly even drove her to drink some days (or eat a box of cookies).
I think my kids are the same way. At home, they don’t follow directions, need to be reminded a thousand times about routine things, and even roll around on the dirty garage floor before school. It’s annoying, frustrating and makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong as a parent.
But then they hold the door open for a stranger entering the store we just left, or offer a hand to the opponent they just fouled in a game, or scribble “U Rock Mom” in dirt on my car. At these times, I know I’m doing something right, just like my mom and most moms I know. My boys may not be perfect (not even close), but they are good boys who I hope will grow into even better men …
Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and the start of the Lenten Season for Christians. It’s a time of reflection, fasting and repentance. In our family, we each give up something, like chocolate or swearing, for 40 days. The boys plan on giving up sweets and arguing with each other (yeah, right!). As for me, in addition to chocolate and cursing, I’m giving up doubting myself and my parenting skills so I can live more positively and be a better example to my kids. If I slip up, I’ll think about my 7-year-old’s dirty message and remember that, in his eyes, I rock.
– LJDT
I just love this it hits really close to home. I feel really bad for telling my 10 year old last night that if she hates me than I am doing my job right. Now this is after I went off on her in front of her friend. She then asked me when you lose the weight Mom will you be nicer. I am a weight watcher and was talking about how I had a good week. This completely breaks my heart because I wasn’t always like this “especially to my kids”. I am really trying to shake this crazy lady that emerged after my 3rd was born. Hopefully my kids will forgive me.
Lisa, we all mess up and overreact. That’s why I wrote this post. It was a particularly hard one for me to write because I was admitting in public just how badly I had behaved. It’s hard to expect our kids to react properly when we sometimes overreact, as I did in this situation. Do as I say, not as I do never seemed so true — but know that you are a good mother, you are doing it right, and you’re not the only one experiencing the anger, frustration and fear that we all have raising kids at some point in time. I know that if we keep on correcting our mistakes, they will hear the love even through the yelling.
Great blog! This one really struck a chord with me. I literally choked up reading this. My son is now 21 . . . . sigh. . . . it all goes so quickly. I had many moments like this as he was growing up. But each and every one of those moments taught me something and made me better and stronger and less of a perfectionist (for a few minutes anyway!). We learn so much more from them than they learn from us! Trust me when I say, your sons will tug at your heartstrings in some way everyday, some days feeling like they are ripping it out and some days feeling like they are the force that makes it beat, but no matter what they do, you will always be the love of their life . . well at least until they “fall’ in love . . .bigger sigh. . . .and giant yikes!
You’re right, Jane. We do learn at least as much from our kids as we try to teach them. Sometimes more. Every day is a a new chance to make a positive impact. Thanks for reading.
We can definitely all relate to this!! So many times I walk around with “mother’s guilt”…disappointed with what I’ve said or how I handled something with my kids. There are many times I feel as though I am failing. Being a mother is the hardest job there is! Each child is different and needs different kind of parenting. I never thought I’d be a strict mom or the parent that is the disciplinarian –I always figured I’d be “loosey-goosey”. It’s hard to not feel guilty at times–but we all must keep in mind that we are only trying to instill the qualities that really matter in our children. And…sometimes in doing that–it hurts us more than it actually hurts them!!
Lauren-I love reading your blogs. Incredibly relatable. Every mom should be lucky enough to jumpstart her day reading Roses and Armpits. Thank you for this!
Jen
these boys are wonderful “house devils and street angels”. they remind me of 2 certain beautiful young ladies i know.
That took my breath away. On my long journey through life, I have been there so many times when I wish I could have taken back what I said but in the end, I think my kids grew up knowing how much they were loved. Lauren, you are a great mom and you do ROCK!
Thank you, Lorraine. I think we all say and do things we wish we hadn’t so I take care to apologize and explain to my kids so they know my sometimes bad behavior is not what they should follow. I only hope my (more positive) words stick!
Love it Lauren. Well done!
I laughed because I can definitely relate to irrational overreaction.
I cried because your son’s simple gesture is so absolutely sweet and he doesn’t even realize the depth of it’s impact on you. (My kids definitely would have three different words for me, something we all need to work on.)
You need to frame the photo of your car. When he’s 15 and really annoying you – meditate on that picture.
Irrational over reactions and a dirty car? Can’t relate at ALL!
Emily, I’m sure while he was on the bus he thought of 3 different words he should have written in dirt 🙂
So happy that you put into words my house to a t
House devils!! That’s what they are and it is hard not to react but seeing that on your car made me smile-Jonah write us a card yesterday saying how much they love us and how they promise they will all behave -liars!!! But god bless them for trying-
Loved all of these posts. My son was on Ollie’s bball team this past season and they had a ball. Many items I have come in the door and there are 3 sets of muddy boots and it looks like a pig sty! We are raising the next generation of men and with any luck and love they will be wonderful gentlemen !!!! We have some pretty amazing and wonderful boys!
Thanks for the kind words. Wonderful boys grow into wonderful men — that’s the goal.