If you’re a newbie college parent, you know that your freshman’s first visit home last month for Thanksgiving break was a bit of a whirlwind. Lots of cooking, laundry, hugs, and questions squeezed into four or five days. SNL nailed it with their Back Home Ballers skit. When my son came home, it was like the prodigal son had returned.
But winter break is different. Way different. Most college students are home for nearly a month or more. By the time they go back to school, the honeymoon period has long since ended and their departure in January is a welcomed event. If you haven’t experienced this yet, just wait …
Because my son went to a boarding high school for two years, we’ve been down this road before. That first year, when he returned home with eight bags of dirty laundry (no joke) and a pronounced sense of independence and superiority over house rules, was rough (in part because he was only 16). And while the second year was better, COVID restrictions created a new set of challenges. Now we’re on round three of the winter break re-entry experience and I’m ready.
Over the weekend, my son came home a week earlier than expected, thanks to a COVID outbreak on campus. As happy as that makes me, as an anxious person, I’m not good with surprises. But with less than 48 hours notice, I was able to prepare both physically and mentally for his arrival (which is imperative for me). Here’s my go-to plan for keeping the peace at home and in my head over the next few weeks:
- I’m setting the mood. Because acts of service is one of my love languages (words of affirmation is my #1, FYI), I cleaned my son’s room, stocked the fridge, and plan to cook most of his favorite meals. I even did his laundry when he first came home — something I haven’t done since he was 12. While these are my ways of showing him how much I love and miss him, I also secretly hope my favors make him think twice before leaving wet towels on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, or some other mild offense that raises my anxiety.
- I’m setting his expectations. Once my son got settled, I casually reminded him that the house rules are still in effect when he’s home. It’s been three days and so far, so good. I’m sure I’ll have to reiterate this a few times over the next few weeks, so my goal is to not lose my shit when I have to repeat myself. Notice I said goal, not promise.
- I’m loosening the reigns. While most house rules are still in effect, some of them have been adjusted to match his new level of maturity. After all, returning home as an 18-year-old college freshman is very different than returning home as a 16-year-old high school junior. More maturity = more freedom.
- I’m adjusting my own expectations. I tend to have grand expectations and very high standards, and then I get frustrated and disappointed when they go unmet — which happens often. Luckily, I know this about myself, so I’m trying to set the bar lower and limit my bitching about minor offenses, like glasses left on counters and toilet lids left open, to once a day … Okay, twice a day.
- I’m giving myself space. As an HSP (highly sensitive person) and introvert, I need daily time alone to recharge. When I don’t honor that need, I’m like a sailor on shore leave or a person with Tourette’s at open mic night. It’s not pretty. So even though my son will only be home for a few weeks, I will still take my alone time to write, take a Peloton class, read, or watch TikTok videos without guilt or apology.
- I’m focusing on the good. Trite but true, having the right mindset and attitude is a game-changer. Will I still get annoyed when the prodigal son sleeps past noon, leaves a mess in the kitchen, or blasts his rap music at all hours of the day and night [OMG, did I really just type that?! Who am I, my mother?!]? Yes, but I will concentrate more on the good aspects of his presence, like his jovial nature, his bright smile, his random hugs, his ability to reach the higher shelves, and most of all, our candid talks and guilty pleasure TV shows. Just thinking about it makes my heart happy.
So that’s the plan. Lots of preparation, patience, and practice. After all, third time’s a charm, right? God speed, my fellow college parents. Enjoy your “babies” while they’re home!
-LJDT
