It’s cold and flu season, which means it’s also sneeze season. I’m not exactly a germophobe, but I am rightfully grossed out when someone sneezes near me and doesn’t cover their mouth and nose — or wash their hands if they sneeze into their hand, rather than into a tissue or at least the crook of their (covered) arm. It happened all the time at the gym I used to go to, and it freaked me out. Who wants to pick up a dumbbell that some jackass just sprayed with germs?
I think I’m a pretty normal sneezer. I do it once or twice (occasionally, thrice) at a time at an acceptable volume, and I always cover my nose and mouth. Exactly how it should be done … like a lady.
My mom is not a subtle sneezer. When she sneezes, she does it nonstop, seven times in a row — EVERY TIME SHE SNEEZES. It’s never six times or eight times, and it’s definitely never just once or twice. It is ALWAYS seven times in a row, without fail. Frankly, it’s a bit obnoxious. Those of us who know her know this is her norm, so we just wait it out, counting silently to seven before issuing our ‘bless you’s, knowing she’s finally done.
I guess the good news is that she’s nowhere near hitting the record for the world’s longest sneeze. That honor goes to Donna Griffith, who, according to Guinness World Records, sneezed nonstop for 978 in the early 1980s. Damn!
For a totally different reason, my husband is also an obnoxious sneezer. He doesn’t have a set number of times he sneezes at once, but the sheer volume of his sneezes is what makes him an objectionable sneezer. All of his sneezes are thunderous and jarring, and they seemingly come out of nowhere, without any forewarning. The sound is so raucous, I wouldn’t be surprised if our next door neighbors can hear him. It’s alarming.
Ironically, my oldest (who I often refer to as my man-child) tends to stifle his sneezes, resulting in a somewhat squeaky sound. I appreciate his efforts, but the petite sound makes me giggle, given his size.
Whatever your sneeze style, just don’t be an asshole: cover your nose and mouth, please. And for those in the vicinity of a sneezer, remember your manners, too. Acknowledge the sneezer using any of these wonderful alternatives to the typical “bless you” response:
— LJDT
