Every time I see the meme used above as the cover image for this post, I feel seen. If I’ve learned one thing in my 50 years, it’s that balance is bullshit.
At least for me it is. I can either be slaying it at work or killing it on the domestic front, but I cannot succeed at both simultaneously. It’s just not possible. Something’s always got to give.
Case in point: For the entire month of November, I’ve been slammed with writing assignments (a good problem for a freelancer) while also co-organizing a semi-surprise birthday party out-of-state, prepping for Thanksgiving, managing my chronic illness, staying on my workout plan, and handling all aspects of our home and family life. That’s more than I’m used to juggling at once, but I was getting it all done. I met all my deadlines, the party was a big success, my workouts were going well, and I didn’t forget or burn anything for Thanksgiving dinner. I thought I was crushing it … until I realized I missed my nephew’s third birthday.
I felt like a horrible aunt. How could I forget this adorable little boy who is always so happy to see me or talk to me on the phone? Thankfully, my gracious SIL was more than understanding, and my nephew didn’t hold it against me. (Three-year-olds don’t hold grudges for more than a few minutes, luckily.)
I know that marketers, IG influencers, and all those self-proclaimed boss bitches want us to believe that women can have it all, but it’s time someone called bullshit. I say you can’t have it all — at least not at the same time. Something’s always got to give.
Yes, you can want it all. Do it all. Be it all … Just not at the same time. At least not if you want to do it all well. It’s impossible. And for a recovering perfectionist like me, that’s a hard reality to accept (but I’m learning).
You may think I’m being pessimistic, but I say I’m being realistic.
Balance is an elusive goal that was created by the patriarchy when they “allowed” women to enter the workforce. Sure, you can work outside the home, they said, but you still have to manage the home and all the people in it. [NOTE: Men, on the other hand, don’t carry the same burden. At least not most men.]
Anyone who’s tried to manage their family, job, friendships, health, community, and whatever else is important to them in equal parts at the same time knows the idea of balance, although touted as the holy grail, is simply unrealistic.
Even Merriam-Webster agrees with me. (Sort of.)
As a noun, the word balance means stability produced by equal distribution of weight on either side. As a verb, balance means to bring into harmony or a state of balance (referring again to equal distribution).
Juggling work, family, a personal life, health, and anything else in equal parts at the same time doesn’t happen, and trying to make it happen is far from harmonious. [Thus my insinuation that Merriam-Webster agrees with me.]
But here’s the silver lining … Knowing that balance is bullshit is liberating. Giving yourself permission to drop a few balls is freeing. The trick is knowing which balls to drop and when, releasing the guilt, and asking for help when needed.
Some days/weeks/month/seasons, work may need to be the priority. Or your health. Or your family. Or something else entirely. That may may mean that you miss a school event or have to say no to a work assignment or shorten your gym time. Giving more to one aspect of your complex life than you’re giving to another at any point in time is okay. More than okay. It’s necessary.
The real balance isn’t about giving everything equal attention; it’s about giving attention where it’s needed most at any given time and then being gracious enough to cut yourself some slack and flexible enough to pivot when needed.
I’m finally getting better at prioritizing and dropping balls, and even asking for (or in some cases, demanding) help; But I’m still working on the no-guilt part. Especially when it comes to letting someone I love down. Good thing Amazon Prime has one-day delivery.
-LJDT
