Back in 2003, after my first son was born, my husband and I decided to hire a nanny rather than go the daycare route so I could go back to work.
Interviewing candidates was tedious and wild. Despite doing background checks and getting referrals (which HAD to have been forged), the people we interviewed were truly horrible.
Don’t believe me? Here’s a summary of the top five candidates:
- A 20-year-old girl who admitted she applied for the job because a friend told her she “basically gets paid to watch TV all day.” (While I admire the honestly, that’s a no for me, dog.)
- An adorable elderly lady who couldn’t read. (Truly, she was darling, but the illiteracy thing would have been problematic.)
- A middle-aged woman who brought her grown daughter to the interview to translate because she didn’t speak English. No a single word other than ‘hello’. (Also problematic.)
- A 30-something who was on probation for lewd and lascivious behavior. (She had sex in an alley outside a club. It was not a youthful indiscretion—it happened the year before.)
- The one who insisted on being a wet nurse. (Ewww!)
Finally, we found Mary. She was sweet and bubbly and had kids of her own. She immediately asked to hold H and even got down on the floor for ‘tummy time’. I knew instantly she was the one. Not so much because of her resume, which was solid, but because of a gut instinct. Her energy was loving, nurturing, caring … Exactly what we wanted.
Trusting my gut (despite its inability to handle gluten and dairy) and going off a vibe is how I find my doctors, too. And as someone with a host of (invisible) chronic illnesses, I see a lot of doctors. They all have the training and credentials, but they don’t all have the bedside manner or energy I want and need.
This is especially true of therapists.
My first go-round finding a therapist 13 years ago was not nearly as difficult as the nanny interviews. The second woman I met with, Meryl, was the one for me. For years, she helped me work through my trauma and manage my c-PTSD. But when COVID happened and my insurance changed, I had to find someone new.
Shopping for a therapist the second time was way more challenging—and definitely reminiscent of my nanny shopping days. I eventually chose one local to me who also took my insurance (bonus). But week after week, I grew uneasy about her methods and started doubting her qualifications. She wasn’t quite as bad as this IG comedian (below), but she also wasn’t good either.
I won’t go into details, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to react or judge when someone tells you their childhood trauma story, and you’re also not supposed to ask the client for advice for your upcoming couples therapy session just because you, like them, are part of an interracial marriage!
Needless to say, I don’t see her anymore.
After a therapy hiatus of a few years, I’m back and trying virtual therapy this time. I’ve spoken to a few different therapists so far, but still haven’t found “the one”. As frustrating as it is to keep starting over, I know it’s worth it in the end to find the right person … Because I’m worth it.
—LJDT
