My regular readers know that I write openly and candidly about how I feel about many of life’s experiences, regardless of the potential backlash. After all, this blog is about my exploits and how I handle them with moxie, so it shouldn’t surprise you that I’m about to make a very unpopular confession right now, and here it goes …
I am not handling this COVID-19 social distancing / self-isolation / everyone work (and learn) from home mandate thing very well.
There, I said it. As unpopular as it is, it’s my honest truth.
Case in point: Exactly one hour into having everyone in my family home for what could be eternity, I was screaming like a banshee to get them out of bed and dressed before the housekeeper arrived (despite the fact that I had reminded everyone the night before and told them to set their respective alarms to avoid this very scenario) … It went downhill from there.
As selfish as it sounds — and I know it’s an egocentric point of view — I am not cut out for a mandated home quarantine with others. Social distancing? Sure, as long as the gym and either Wegmans or Whole Foods are still open, I’m down with less interaction with others (it’s an upside to having a social anxiety disorder). And self-isolation? No problem! As an introvert, I revel in alone time. But home quarantine with my entire family? For a minimum of two weeks, and possibly longer? No. I am not a fan, and neither is anyone else around here. This family unit does not shine when we’re in each other’s business 24/7 for extended periods of time — Past road trips and snow days have already proven this, and those didn’t last nearly as long as this will.
It’s pretty simple, really — Thanks to the additional noise and clutter, the extra demands on my time (why doesn’t anyone else who lives here know where anything is?!), the invasion of my space (in particular, my home office and the kitchen), and the elimination of both my gym time and alone time, my anxiety is in overdrive. It’s too much for me all at once, and I’m having trouble coping. So now you’ve been warned: Midlife moxie is more like midlife madness right now.
This declaration will, no doubt, bring both nasty backlash and a fair share of well-intentioned DMs reminding me to be grateful for my health and thankful that my sacrifices are minor in comparison to so many others’. I get it, and I agree. I know self-containment is required to “flatten the curve” and stop the spread of this vicious virus. I believe that to be true, but right now I’m struggling with actually feeling it. Am I really the only one?
According to every Instagram and Facebook post I see, everyone else’s “remote learning” experience is trouble-free and people are enjoying their “extra family time” by hiking, biking, and playing games together. Well, here at Casa Tarr, that’s not the case. The only games we’re playing are who can sleep in the longest, who can make the biggest mess, who can annoy another person first, and who can complain the loudest or most often (I think I win that last one). Honestly, it’s been a miserable shit show around here.
But I think we are finally turning a corner. There’s really no point in resisting this new reality. It is what it is, so we have to accept it and make it work. I equate it to the five stages of grief. Here’s what that looked like for me over this past week …
Step 1 – Denial: “The gym is still open, so everything is okay.” This is what I was telling myself a few days ago. I started washing my hands more and using antibacterial wipes on just about everything I touched, but I went about my business in a somewhat normal fashion. Everyone was home for just one day — No biggie. Everything will be back to normal on Monday … But it wasn’t.
Step 2 – Anger: “The gym is closed for at least two weeks, my middle schooler has remote learning for at least two weeks, my husband has to work from home for at least two weeks, and my older son’s boarding school is closed for at least a month. That means everyone is now home under my feet and I can’t leave to workout … Are you f*cking kidding me?! And I just got all these cute new gym clothes and sneakers for my birthday and at the Athleta Friends & Family event last week that no one will see and appreciate!” [Yes, that last part is admittedly vain and shallow.] This minor inconvenience is now a major annoyance and source of acrimony. I am not happy.
Step 3 – Bargaining: “I’ll make daily trips to Wegmans and Whole Foods to get a break from everyone at home, and maybe find more toilet paper or ground turkey while I’m at it. The risk is definitely worth it for my sanity.” This reasoning worked for exactly one day before I realized the obvious erroneous thinking about the actual health risks involved, not to mention the fact that the stores aren’t restocking fast enough to actually find anything new on a daily basis.
Step 4 – Depression: “I’m not going to survive all this togetherness. I’m going to gain a ton of weight and lose all my muscle. My mercury poisoning detox is completely off track and I’ll be on this protocol even longer now. The house is a mess, the clutter is stifling, and I’m totally unmotivated to do anything. I’m pissed off all the time and I don’t want to talk to anyone. Life sucks.” Yea, I went there. It was dark and ugly, but thankfully short-lived.
Step 5 – Acceptance: “Rise and shine, bitches! The pity party is over. Time to shift gears and kick ass.” Yesterday was day one of my new attitude. I changed the song on my alarm clock to something more upbeat (“Good Morning” by Max Frost), went out for a long run outside in the brisk sunshine to clear my head, and came back ready to face the day, and this crisis, with a new mindset and a better outlook. I’ve got this now.
So what turned it around for me? Time, mostly. I needed time to overreact, bitch and complain, yell, curse, and scream as a way to “grieve” my old way of life. It wasn’t pretty, and it certainly wasn’t the most mature way of handling the situation, but I’m working on that in therapy.
Now that I’m on the other side, I am calmer and can accept this new way of being with the knowledge that it’s temporary. I am better able now to reframe the situation at hand, refocus my energy, and take actions that will make me (and everyone around me) happier. For me, that means waking up earlier each day to get back on track, creating a better daily workout and writing schedule to keep me focused, rearranging the furniture to establish a second home office space for my husband, and looking for the upsides to being at home — like spending less money on gas, less time on straightening my hair, and less effort keeping the house clean for visitors.
This mental shift also allows me to approach this time as a much needed adjustment period rather than a forced imprisonment. Instead of worrying about losing all my “gym gains” and putting on extra weight, I’m viewing this time as a reset for my body, giving it much-needed extra rest and challenging my muscles in a different (albeit less intense) way. It’s going to be hard getting back in the gym (and that first [solidcore] workout is really going to suck!), but I finally get to use my new at-home battle rope and kettle bell clip, so there’s that. As for my family, the required togetherness and cancellation of life as we know it is a welcomed slow down period, giving us all a healthy break from the busy-ness of our normal work/school/sports lives. I’m not saying we’re taking daily hikes or playing Scrabble together every night, but at least now there’s finally time to teach our oldest to drive and maybe get a few minor house projects done (although I’m not optimistic about that last part happening). #goals.
So while this situation is still far from perfect, and it’s definitely not all rainbows and unicorns here, it is getting better. I can’t guarantee that we won’t regress and eventually kill each other if this lasts longer than the projected two weeks, but at least for today, we’re getting along knowing that life could be worse … and that this, too, shall pass.
As always, thanks for letting me vent. Please stay home, stay strong, and keep washing your hands.
-LJDT
P.S. I’d be remiss if I didn’t give credit to my gym friends for checking in on me daily and keeping me accountable. You know who you are, and you girls rock! Can’t wait to be back at it with you soon.
