I spent decades of my life being quiet. Quiet when I was abused as a child. Quiet when I was assaulted in college. Quiet when I was mistreated at work. Quiet when I became a mother. For years, I held my tongue, not wanting to rock the boat; not wanting to cause a scene. But at 50, I am no longer quiet. I do not hold my tongue. I rock the shit out of the boat and don’t care if it causes a scene because, in the words of Patrick Swayze (who I cannot believe I am quoting!), “Nobody puts Baby [Lauren] in a corner” anymore.
Case in point: My ongoing entanglement with the school superintendent.
Without going into too many details, we’ve had a few race-related meetings in the past, none of which ended satisfactorily. The most recent one started in February when it came to my attention that another parent in the district was defaming me for my role on the Equity Council and targeting my (Black) family. As disturbing as that is, the most upsetting part is that the school district knew it was going on, but took no action to stop it, nor did they notify me/us that this was happening. (A friend who was on the receiving end of one of the fellow parent’s emails inform me.)
At our initial meeting, I was pissed, but held it together — meaning, I didn’t curse, which is huge for me. I did, however, start to tear up, which happens when I’m super emotional (be it positively or negatively). As I made it clear to the white man sitting across from me, it’s not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strong emotion — and on that day, the emotion was fury.
We ended the meeting with a list of action items for him to complete and an expectation that he’d contact me at the end of the following month with an update.
Six weeks passed, and … Crickets.
After three unanswered emails, I was triggered. I know from years of therapy that this is a trauma response. Sometimes, that feeling of being wronged, compounded by a feeling of not being seen, heard, or listened to, sparks a level of anger and resentment in me that can be disproportionate to the current offense. Luckily, I’ve learned how to channel my emotions collectedly and more productively — just not meekly or quietly. I called his assistant and booked a face-to-face meeting to avoid him dodging me further. I came armed and ready, but also calm and poised. I delivered my disappointment directly and stood firm in my demands. Full resolution was not achieved in that meeting, but some progress was made and further action is expected. I gave him a new deadline and proactively booked an in-person meeting for the date upon which he owes me answers, to avoid the possibility of being dismissed once again.
While the situation has not yet been fully rectified, I’m proud of how I handled myself (and continue to handle myself) — unapologetically, with inner strength and confidence.
So in case it’s still unclear, let me say it again for the people in the back: I will not be quiet when wronged, dismissed, defamed, or attacked. I will no longer remain silent just so others feel comfortable. Fuck that! I will stand up. I will speak out. I will ruffle feathers. I will rock the boat. I will use my voice to defend myself and my family, and if you don’t like it, I suggest you don’t piss me off. #sorrynotsorry #queenofboundaries
-LJDT
