Preparing for Re-entry: A How-To Guide for Navigating a Teen’s Return Home from His First Semester Away

In a few hours, my oldest will be home from his first semester at boarding school. He’s been living away from home for about three months now, minus one long weekend about six weeks ago. During that whirlwind visit, he arrived home with eight bags of dirty laundry, a big appetite, and a pronounced sense of independence and superiority over house rules. It was a brief stay, and despite a small bit of friction, we all survived. He left happy to have been home, but excited to get back to school — and the feeling was mutual. I love him and the energy he brings to a room, but having my 16-year-old home again after we’d finally gotten into a new rhythm without him required an adjustment I hadn’t anticipated.

This time, he’ll be home for ten days. Ten whole days living in his old room, under our roof, with the same family rules as before he left. I am thrilled to see him and grateful to have him home for the extended holiday break. I’m also cautiously optimistic that it will be drama-free, but I know my son, and I know myself — and my triggers — even better. This longer return after a full semester of freedom will most definitely mean a longer acclimation period for all us, despite the joy of his return.

So how are we going to make it through this happy yet potentially bumpy week and a half? Lots of preparation, patience, and prayer on my part — and probably nothing on anyone else’s (insert eye roll here). Knowing that going in, here is my five-part plan for navigating my teenager’s re-entry into daily family life:

• Prepare in advance and “set the mood.” I want him to know I’m excited to see him and happy he’s home again. Acts of service is one of my love languages (words of affirmation is my #1, FYI), so I cleaned the house, stocked the fridge, and plan to cook most of his favorite meals while he’s home as my way of displaying love. And of course I’ll tell him, too.
• Set expectations. During our weekly FaceTime “lunch” this week, I laid the groundwork about my expectations. I casually reminded him that house rules are still in effect when he returns, and I will, of course, reiterate this in more detail upon his arrival. Maybe I’ll even write it on a giant poster board to hang in his bedroom … or is that too much?
• Be realistic — and adjust my own expectations. I tend to have grand expectations and very high standards, and I get frustrated and disappointed when they go unmet — which means I get frustrated and disappointed often. Luckily, I know this about myself, so my plan this week is to adjust. I’ll tweak the house rules a bit to give him more space and freedom, and do my best to limit my bitching about glasses left on counters and toilet lids left open to a minimum.
• Create space and breathe through it. As an HSP (highly sensitive person), I need daily time alone to recharge. This is not a luxury, but a necessity. I will not feel guilty stepping away to write, hit the heavy bag in my basement gym, or even escape to Whole Foods or Wegmans (my sanctuaries) when the togetherness gets to be too much. And when that’s not possible, I’ll do my best to pause and breathe through it. Yes, it’s hokey and trite, but taking a moment before reacting really does work — when I actually remember to do it! Otherwise, I’m like a sailor on shore leave or a person with Tourette’s at open mic night. #momtruth #momswhocurse
• Focus on the good. It’s all about having the right mindset and attitude, right? Sure, I’m going to be annoyed by those abandoned glasses and open toilet lids, the extra mess everywhere, and the blaring rap music played at all hours of the day and night (OMG, did I just really type that?! Who am I?), but I will concentrate more on the good aspects of his presence: His jovial nature, his bright smile, his random hugs, his big appetite and willingness to try all my recipe creations (I still haven’t figured out how to cook for fewer people), and his ability to reach the higher shelves. Just thinking about it now makes my heart happy.

So that’s my plan. My eyes are wide open to the potential angst that could result from the Molotov cocktail of teenage hormones and new independence that is returning home to the nest, but I’m choosing to focus on the positive energy and playfulness that is returning home instead. Sure, it’ll be another adjustment, finding our rhythm as a family of four again. But then in ten days, he’ll be gone. Just like that. And it will be bittersweet again. Of that, I am sure, too.

-LJDT

P.S. If you have your own tips, tricks, or advice on this topic that you want to share, please do. And send prayers, too!