A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about back-to-school rituals and mentioned how my grandmother used to take my sister and me clothes shopping every year. I couldn’t remember the name of the place where we’d eat lunch afterwards, despite remembering that I always ordered a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon. I called my mother, but immediately realized that was futile. She doesn’t remember anything ever, so I doubted she’d remember this trivial fact. Rectifying my error, I simultaneously texted my sister, Denise, because I KNEW she’d know. Within seconds, she texted back, “Hinsch’s.”
Like my father, my sister has an elephant memory. Her mind is a vault. She forgets nothing and remembers everything — especially from our childhood. That’s a good thing because I remember very little. It’s just one example of how different we are, but also an example of how well it works for us.
From early on, it was obvious that we were opposites. Growing up, Denise was the spitting image of our father (red hair, blue eyes), and I looked more like our mother (dark brown hair, hazel eyes). She was “the perfect baby” (I was told many, many, many times), while I was fussy and colicky. She was athletic and a bit of a tomboy, and I was bookish and more of a girly-girl. She was messy, I was neat. She was an adventurous eater (except when it came to broccoli — she only ate the bottoms), and I was picky (I only ate the broccoli florets, so that worked well, actually). She was outspoken and brazen, and I was shy and a rule-follower (the perfect target for the family pedophile, but that’s a story for another time).
The one aspect that was always eerily similar was our voice. We sounded (and still sound) exactly alike, especially on the phone. This was particularly troubling for Denise’s high school boyfriend, who often mistook me for her. Embarrassing for him, fun for me; I was the younger sister, after all, and this gave me some leverage!
Over the years, our differences have become even more distinct — and not just because she is nearly 5 inches taller than me with vastly different coloring.
I’m neat and organized, someone who likes schedules and routines, and definitely a researcher and planner (I don’t make quick decisions and I definitely don’t like surprises). I’m also a recovering perfectionist and people-pleaser, so while I’m a boss now at setting boundaries (read last week’s post), I still struggle sometimes with the side of guilt that comes along with doing so (in particular, if I’m letting down someone I love). On top of all that, I’m frugal, tense, and socially anxious. Basically, I’m a ball of knots all the time.
Denise, on the other hand, does not share any of these traits. She is thriftless, carefree, and the life of the party. She is way more easy going and flexible than I am. She doesn’t stress (at least not outwardly) about making tough decisions and she doesn’t second-guess herself (again, at least not outwardly). And she definitely doesn’t do guilt. “I don’t have time for that!” she told me a few years back when I confessed to feeling guilty for reneging on plans.
At times, our conflicting styles have caused, well, conflict. But more often, our opposing styles complement each other, filling in gaps and playing to each other’s strengths. And you know what? Denise may operate differently than me, but she gets shit done! In her own way, in her own time, she gets it done. All of it — job, family, kids … Like a boss, without any expectation or perfection stress, guilt, or shame. I admire that.
Truth is, there’s a lot about my sister that I admire — and not just that she tans so easily in the sun. How she loves my boys as if they were her own is at the top of the list, for sure, but it’s her confidence and self-assuredness that I strive to match. (That, and her summertime tan.) Hopefully, with more therapy, I’ll get there. One session at a time, one day at a time.
In the meantime, I’ll keep looking to her as an example of how to live more in the moment, avoid analysis paralysis, and roll with the punches, guilt-free. After all, ain’t nobody got time for that!
-LJDT
I think you just described my sister and me. Two years younger, five inches taller, and always had the style and popularity. Still does. But today I can be there for her. I love.your articles!!!
Thank you. Glad you could relate!
Loved this post. And the pics! 🙂
As you know, D was one of my closest friends through our formative years of high school, college, early 20s… lemme tell ya, she *always* had that confidence, which I needed more of back in the day and admired like you did. And she and I laughed together a LOT. I didn’t know you well back then, Mizz Lauren, but I’m glad we’re in each other’s online orbit now. We have much more in common now than just your sister.
But when I think of her, it’s fondly and with a smile. Tell her hi for me.
Thank you for this. I do remember your friendship, especially as you both went to school in Boston. I will certainly tell her hello (and you and I do have more in common now beyond just Denise).